Goodbye Bipolar

Goodbye Bipolar:
Ah, my lover, my friend, my dark secret in the night, my twisted creature of bliss and agony how you soothe and torment me. We have fought and made up so many times I no longer know what is real, what sanity is, what I am or where you belong. I have given up so much for you, still you hunger forever more. My paranoid mind that tries desperately to appease you has melted before you, prostrate and exposed yet you demand more. Dare I live a life worth living? Shall I define a life worth living for you? 

A life worth living is a life free from the burdens of blatant paranoia, paralyzing anxiety... Paranoia; what a stupid oversimplification of an event that is so complicated. Even the definition is base and unspecific: a psychological disorder characterized by delusions of persecution or grandeur. You are so sneaky though, giving hints here and there that someone or a group of someones don't want me around or more globally that entire rooms full of people are actively contemplating my negative qualities, like they all know me and my past, like you've told them all about me and orchestrated the entire event just to set me off. Friends, people I've known for months or years suddenly begin conspiring against me, why? To what end? For what purpose? You do this to me, I know it, but I do not know why and the sick, curious part of me needs to know the reasons you torture me so. Are you jealous? That must be it. You want me all to yourself to play your games and torture me with feelings of worthlessness, lack of self esteem, knowing, not thinking that I don't fit in with any group of people- even other artists or colleagues, lovers, friends or peers. 

What is anxiety? The overwhelming feeling of unease, of discomfort within my present surroundings, often born of paranoia or coupled with it at least. Yes, the joys of paranoid anxiety; let me count the ways... I'm sorry, I lost count. Maybe next time I will be more diligent, oh wait, there won't be a next time. As you may have gathered, I am releasing myself from your burden. You are now free to torment someone else, but I hope that along the way you wither and die a painful agonizing death and spend your eternity in some torturous hell in which you are forced to cut your own throat and bleed to death only to be reborn the next hour and start the cycle anew. Yes, my demon friend, my nemesis, my lifelong companion, I damn you to the fate that you have instilled upon me for the past ten years- the knowledge that if you ever come in contact with a gun your life will be forfeit, the daily visions, urges and impulses to cut or stab yourself in the throat, the continued extrapolation of who would be the one to find the corpse that would inevitably remain, the call that would be made to my family, the devastation, the loss. 

I will miss the fight. I will miss the hope of one last manic cycle, but you are a selfish bastard and have robbed me even of that glory, that high, that euphoria. You, my demon, have ruined my life utterly and I take this opportunity to banish you from my life now and forever. You are now an unwelcome outcast and be warned that if you attempt to return I shall strike down thee with vengeance and furious anger and you will know my name is the lord when I lay my weapon upon you. My armor is impenetrable, my blade is fierce and sharp and to you and your kind I am now invincible. 

Goodbye Bipolar. The bad times far outweigh the good times and it is time for you to move on and face your sins in your new life of torment and torturous hell while I begin to rebuild from the devastation you have caused. It is time for me to reap the benefits of the achievements and accomplishments I have worked so hard for in spite of your crushing weight. It is time for me to start a fulfilling, meaningful life without your influence, it is time for me to live, it is time for me to experience happiness without fear, comradery without anxiety or paranoia, to hold down a job without visiting the hospital every three months. Is normalcy too much to ask? No, it is not and I now draw this discussion to a close. Go now to your hell and leave me to face my ruin. 

Farewell my old companion. Though you have been there for better or worse, I must now say goodbye.